Woven Into Home

Contributing Author Shelley Lovell

I have been reminded lately of what it means to sit in “It”, to let It be, to let It wash over you, to let It move through you, to let It pour out. The “It” could be so many things: anger, despair, confusion, uncertainty. Sometimes It is welcome, and sometimes It is knocking and you don’t want to answer. But It will be there no matter what your logical mind says.

Sometimes our hearts need what our logical minds overlook or try to override. As a result, I have been reminded of what the heart wants, what my heart wants.

We are interwoven in so many ways, sometimes in ways we can’t even fathom or understand. Humans need connection, just like our beloved animals and the amazing horses we work with at Courageous Connections. We have a need for love, kindness, and belonging. And when moments of the “It” arise and make your heart and emotions soar out of control, our hearts need the calm and quiet that the horses have to offer. It is here that my mind becomes quiet enough to listen to my heart.

With an extended absence that was out of my control, the ominous It was knocking at my heart’s door, and I didn’t always want to listen to or acknowledge its presence. Sometimes I would allow myself to sit with It and ponder its purpose, often asking: What am I to learn from this experience? From what perspective am I viewing this journey?

Other times, I would try to push It away, telling myself It was unwanted and unnecessary. However, that’s just the thing. I wasn’t allowing myself to sit quietly and listen to the hum of my heart. My mind was moving too fast to let It wash through me.

When I came back to the farm, I was struck by the reality of interwovenness, and my heart cried. The pain I was enduring felt like a hole being shredded, piece by piece, from the interwoven fabric of the farm—the animals and people who hold the fabric of home together. I realized I was also a piece of that fabric.

What I have learned about myself and about the participants is part of that fabric that makes me who I am today. I do fit here, perfectly interwoven. I made a home for myself as I healed. Sometimes I find that I am still healing when I least expect it. I cannot fight it.

The rawness of home, the purest form of love and belonging, sits among the fields and walls of Courageous Connections. What I had been missing this whole time was my home—the people and animals who made me whole on a healing journey that had many stops, potholes, and bumps along the way.

This is what Courageous Connections offers. A place so pure, innocent, and calm. A connectedness to the earth, the animal world, and the hearts interwoven in the work we do.

It is here that I learned what it means to sit with It. To feel my feet grounded and rooted in the soft soil. To listen to my heartbeat as I close my eyes and feel the pull of the horse’s energy weaving within me. Their breath, slow and steady, connects with mine as I inhale and exhale slowly.

A sense of calm surrounds me like a warm woven blanket.

I open my eyes and see the warmth and ease of her gaze, and we are connected, woven together for a moment. I breathe relief. I let out the pain and the tears with the exhale. I inhale the rawness, the pure energy of the horse.

She leans in, almost as if saying, “It is okay. Come, walk with me. I do not judge. I just listen to your heart.”

My heart needed this—the calm, the softness of no judgment. My body needed this—the rootedness of the earth, the warmth of the soft gaze.

I am interwoven.

The holes that were once shredded, piece by piece, have hemmed themselves whole as I came home once again.