Contributing Author ~ Susan Brown
I spend a lot of time in my garden. So do my dogs. They bring out their toys and, like toddlers, leave them behind in the mud. A few days ago, while I was retrieving a stuffed pig from underneath a tangle of purple and gold smoke trees, a stiff breeze riffled the leaves. When I looked up, the sky was crystal blue with the brilliant gold and purple leaves swirling across it. The beauty literally stunned me and I just stood there, soggy toy dangling from my fingers. The sudden sunlight transformed the muck at my feet into a moving mosaic, sliding over brown mud, multi-colored leaves, and emerald moss. Nature caught and held me, alive and delighted in its beauty.
Recently I came across the Japanese word, komorebi, the patterning of light filtering through leaves. We have no comparable word in English. But each of us has seen komorebi on a hike, in a park, even in the trees growing from a concrete sidewalk.
I also live with chronic pain. I have seen so many doctors and done all the things they’ve told me to do, and the pain remains. It dulls everything even as I push myself to stay engaged in life. I try very hard not to think about where it may one day leave me. When I had pretty much given up hope, I found a doctor who could actually treat the cause. For several euphoric weeks, I have been able to move and sleep without that pain burrowing like a parasite into every aspect of my life. The new relief, the opening of possibility, is indescribable.
The clients at Courageous Connections come because of every kind of pain – emotional pain from trauma or abuse, the physical shock of pervasive disease in Cancer Lifeline members, the imminence of death facing hospice patients. Maybe they hide it, maybe they keep that smile firmly held on their faces, maybe they force their fragile bodies to stand a little straighter. But no matter what has come before, each CC client has come to the farm to find a way past pain, fear, and loneliness.
Komorebi. Each life has that dappling of light and shadow, the good experiences and memories, the harsh ones as well. But when the sunlight is obscured, when no breeze lifts the heavy leaves, all that’s left is cold mud and rotting leaves.
To me, the people and horses at Courageous Connections, are symbols of life. The smell of horses and hay, the sound of whinnies and comfortable laughter, the feel of soft coats and the moving muscles beneath them. When hands and foreheads lean against Remi’s, Punkin’s, or Ari’s warm sides, when their deep slow breathing melds with the clients, remembered sunlight filters through. The reality of each person’s life becomes dappled again; the mud and pain are lightened with the shimmer of sunlight and the moving mosaic of nature at its best.
The people and horses at Courageous Connections support people who are trying hard to realign their lives. Shadows don’t disappear but sunlight comes back, dappling awareness and allowing those moments of exquisite beauty to be felt again. Allowing hope.
Revealing komorebi.
Learn more about Susan Brown @ Susan Brown Writes
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